So today has been a really hard day for me. The reason is because of my lovely birth control and I have depression after I had Jaxten. It never seemed to go away.  Unless you have felt it you do not know what it is like to feel down for no reason. The other night, I was crying and laughing at the same time for noooo reason! I tend to do worse at night when I am alone which has been a lot lately since Quint is working his life away.  I Just try to do my best but sometimes I just feel so drained. This in vitro is very draining just not knowing what will go on in the end.  This stresses me out like crazy because if you know me well you know that I have to plan things 1 million years out in my life. lol
My nurse yesterday talked to me about in vitro and she really helped me because she has actually gone through it. I have not talked to anyone besides her who has actually done in vitro. She gave me a support group that I can go to so I think that I am going to do that.
My dad is in Europe for two weeks so that means we do not have any patients and it is making the weeks go my pretty slow.  I am used to fast paced work. I guess it is good to have a break every once in a while.
So there was a women who killed her four year old son. This makes me sooooo angry! Here I am working my butt off trying to get a baby and someone does this to their child! It makes me want to throw up. Anyways... Writing helps my depression so sorry if I am not the most happy person right now but I am just trying to be a survivor of all of this!

DAY THREE...

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SO TODAY I HAVE BEEN ON THE BIRTH CONTROL FOR THREE DAYS.  IT IS NOT TREATING ME WELL JUST AS I REMEMBER.  WHEN I WAS ON BIRTH CONTROL WHEN I FIRST WAS MARRIED I WAS NOT A PLEASANT GIRL! I WAS EITHER BAWLING OR MAD! MY DR. TOLD ME TO STAY AWAY FROM BIRTH CONTROL BECAUSE IT MESSES WITH MY HORMONES TOO MUCH. MUCH TO MY DISMAY, I AM ON IT BY FORCE. LOL. IT IS MAKING MY BODY REALLY SICK. I'LL LEAVE THAT TO YOU BUT IT IS NOT FUN.  O WELL- NO COMPLAINING IT IS THE SACRIFICE I AM WILLING TO MAKE.
SO I CALLED MY PHARMACY FOR ALL MY MEDS I HAVE TO TAKE.  THE GRAND TOTAL WAS 2700 DOLLARS.  SO QUINT SAID, " HAVE YOU SHOPPED AROUND?" I RESPONDED, NOT REALLY SO MY NURSE AT THE FERTILITY CLINIC FOUND THE SAME MEDS AT ANOTHER SPECIALTY PHARMACY AND SHE GOT THEM FOR 900.00 CHEAPER. THAT IS A BIIIIIIIG PRICE DIFFERENCE. MY NURSE'S NAME IS HEATHER AND SHE HAS BEEN VERY HELPFUL. SHE HAS BEEN GREAT!!!! SO THERE IS A PARTY FOR ALL IVF PATIENT'S THIS MONTH WE ARE PLANNING ON ATTENDING. THEY ARE DOING A RAFFLE FOR 1/2 AND 1,000 DOLLARS OFF WE HOPE WE WIN. WISH US LUCK...

WE TOOK JAXTEN TO THE ZOO TODAY AND HE JUST RAN AROUND THE ZOO LIKE A MAD MAN.  HE DID NOT SIT IN HIS STROLLER ONCE! I DO NOT KNOW WHY I EVEN BROUGHT IT LOL. WE HAD A LITTLE HARNESS WITH A MONKEY ON THE BACK SO HE WOULD STAY CLOSE TO ME.  HE WANTED TO SEE THE SNAKES MOST OF ALL!!! WE WERE THERE ONLY A TWO HOURS. IT WAS A LITTLE CHILLY TODAY. QUINT GOT ME A SEASON PASS FOR MOTHER'S DAY AAAAAAH HOW CUTE! IT WILL BE WORTH WHILE, JAXTEN AND I CAN GO ALLTHE TIME. TODAY WAS A PRETTY GOOD DAY.  WELL I WILL KEEP YOU POSTED ON MY IVF AS TIME GOES BY. WE NEED ALL THE SUPPORT WE CAN GET!

UPDATE ON THE START OF OUR JOURNEY OF INVITRO

So our journey of invitro of starting to sound a little more real to me.  I have to start birth control tomorrow, Yeah I know what your are thinking. I am trying to get pregnant and they put me on birth control to get pregnant but I guess it is to get your body more regulated. Last time I was on birth control was in 2005 and it was not a pleasant experience.  We will see how my body does on the birth control.  I have to stop taking birth control on June 19th.  I start taking a drug called lupron on June 11th.  I hear that the drugs that I am about to take mess your hormones and body up but that is why we are on a adventure of our lives.  Lupron I guess gets my ovaries ready to creat all of the eggs that we need to get in order to implant them back into my body.

We have a whole calendar basically taking over my body for the next couple of months.  I am very nervous and scared for this whole procedure.  I am not scared of what I have to go through at all.  I am scared it will not work with all of the money that we are putting into this invitro.  With our case we have to have ICSI done. That is when they have to actually inject my egg with a needle to help the sperm get into my egg.  My doctor said all of my tests look really good and my iron levels are up and my uterus is looking really good at this point.  At this point, we have a two year old and it took us a while to get him.  My some miracle of god we got pregnant with him and the Dr.'s say that he is a miracle.  We have about 1% chance of getting pregnant on our own. So we have to use god's science to help us out with that and hopefully that will make our family grow even bigger.  I know I have one and I am very greatful for him but I do want more kids.  After going through what Quint and I have gone through thus far we appreciate him so much more. We love Jaxten with every being of our souls.  It angers me to see people take getting pregnant so easily and not appreciating what a miracle it is to even get pregnant.  No one knows what we are going through.  I just hope with the love of our family and friend's support we can get through this. We pray everyday this will work. I will update on how it goes the further I get along in my drug regimend. Love your family!!!!!